Overcoming Anxiety and Low Self-Esteem in Relationships: Rewriting Self-Defeating Narratives
Haunted by the Ghosts of Ourselves
Low self-esteem and anxiety can have a powerful effect on how we show up in relationships. The inner voice that whispers “Why am I not good enough?” or “Will they leave if I say how I feel?” doesn’t just affect your confidence — it shapes how you connect, communicate, and love.
The good news? These stories we’ve told ourselves aren’t fixed truths. They’re stories we’ve learned, often from past experiences, and they can be rewritten.
We’ve all heard the phrase “haunted by the ghosts of our past,” but what if the ghosts aren’t other people or events? What if they’re our own thoughts—the narratives we’ve created, the self-limiting beliefs we’ve nurtured, and the stories we’ve convinced ourselves define us? These internal ghosts can be just as powerful as external ones, shaping how we view ourselves and the world.
👉 Looking for therapy in Leeds? Find out more here
We are often haunted not by the past, but by the stories we tell ourselves.
For many of us, these narratives emerge quietly over time, often in response to difficult experiences, anxiety, or low self-esteem. They become part of the inner dialogue we carry day to day.
“I’m bad at relationships.”
“I can’t do that.”
“Why am I like this?”
These statements, repeated often enough, solidify into beliefs that feel unshakable. And yet, as haunting as they may seem, these ghosts don’t have to haunt us all the time. Every day offers an opportunity to rewrite the script. I talk more about scripts and the thoughts we choose to believe in my Counselling Directory article on Overthinking? Stopping the spiral - Counselling Directory.
How Low Self-Esteem and Anxiety Affect Relationships
When self-esteem is low, it can show up in relationships in many ways:
Avoidance: Holding back from intimacy or withdrawing when things get close.
People-pleasing: Putting others’ needs first to avoid conflict, even when it hurts you.
Jealousy and insecurity: Constant worry about being abandoned or betrayed.
Difficulty expressing needs: Fear of rejection makes it hard to be honest.
Anxiety adds another layer: overthinking texts, replaying conversations, worrying endlessly about how you’re perceived. It can feel like a constant loop of self-doubt and self-criticism.
The Narratives we Tell Ourselves
These behaviours are often rooted in self-defeating narratives we carry:
“I don’t deserve love.”
“If I show the real me, they’ll leave.”
“I’ll never get it right.”
“I’m too much / not enough.”
Many of these beliefs come from early experiences: criticism, rejection, trauma, or environments where love felt conditional. They served as coping strategies once — but in adult relationships, they hold us back.
False realities can feel oddly comforting. They shield us from the vulnerability of trying and failing. If we tell ourselves we’re destined to fail at relationships, for example, we might avoid the pain of putting ourselves out there, only to be rejected. Similarly, if we believe we’re incapable of success in a certain area, we don’t have to risk the discomfort of growth. But this comfort comes at a cost: it keeps us stuck, perpetuating the very issues we fear most.
These self-limiting beliefs often stem from deeper issues like anxiety or low self-esteem. For instance, a fear of rejection may mask a deep-seated belief that we’re not worthy of love. Relationship problems might arise not because of who we inherently are, but because of the stories we’ve internalized about what we deserve or what’s possible for us.
A Fresh Start
The idea of waking up to each day as a blank slate may sound cliché, but it holds a powerful truth. Each new day is an opportunity to challenge and debunk the narratives that have kept us stuck. The belief that you can’t change is just that—a belief, not a fact. While change isn’t easy, it’s always possible.
Start small. Pay attention to the thoughts you’re feeding yourself.
When you catch yourself thinking, “I can’t do this,” pause and reframe it.
Ask yourself: Is this thought rooted in fact, or is it a story I’ve been telling myself? Challenge it.
Replace it with something kinder, even if it feels unnatural at first. For example, “I’m struggling with this now, but I can learn and improve over time.”
Practical Tools to Rewrite the Script
Changing deep-seated beliefs isn’t instant, but there are steps you can take to loosen their grip.
1. Thought Awareness & Reframing
Start by noticing the phrases you tell yourself. Write them down. Then challenge them:
Is this thought based on fact or fear?
What evidence do I have that contradicts it?
What would I say to a close friend who felt this way?
Replacing “I’m not good enough” with “I’m learning, and I bring value to this relationship” can begin to shift your perspective.
2. Building Self-Compassion
Low self-esteem often comes with harsh self-criticism. Practising compassion means treating yourself with the same care you’d offer to someone you love.
Try writing down three strengths or moments you’re proud of each week.
Practice grounding exercises that remind you: I am safe, I am enough, I am worthy.
3. Boundaries and Assertiveness
Healthy relationships need boundaries. Saying no, expressing needs, and expecting respect are not signs of selfishness — they’re signs of self-worth.
You might start small: “I need some time to think about that” instead of automatically saying yes. Each step reinforces your sense of agency.
4. Facing Vulnerability Gradually
Anxiety can push us to avoid vulnerability. The antidote is safe, gradual exposure:
Share a small feeling with someone you trust.
Ask for help in a situation you’d normally keep silent.
Let yourself risk being seen — and notice what happens.
Often, the outcome is less catastrophic than the story in your head.
5. Therapy and Support
Therapy offers a safe space to unpack these narratives, understand their origins, and practise new ways of relating. Approaches like CBT, compassion-focused therapy, and attachment-based work can help challenge negative beliefs, build confidence, and strengthen relationship patterns.
In sessions, we might:
Explore the roots of low self-esteem.
Identify triggers in relationships.
Practise healthier communication and boundary-setting.
Develop self-compassion and resilience tools.
Common Questions About Anxiety, Self-Esteem and Relationships
How do I know if my self-esteem is low?
If you often doubt your worth, struggle to accept compliments, or fear being “too much” for others, these can be signs of low self-esteem.
Why do I keep repeating unhealthy relationship patterns?
We often unconsciously repeat what’s familiar, even if it’s painful. Therapy can help break this cycle by making patterns visible and offering healthier alternatives.
Can I overcome this on my own?
Self-help tools can be powerful, but many people find therapy accelerates change by offering guidance, accountability, and a safe place to explore deeper emotions.
How long does it take to build self-esteem?
Everyone’s journey is different. Progress often happens in small, consistent steps. Even a few weeks of focused effort can start to shift how you see yourself.
A Story of Change
One client (shared anonymously with permission) came to therapy believing they were “unlovable.” They avoided dating for years, convinced rejection was inevitable. Through therapy, they began noticing and challenging that belief, setting small boundaries, and allowing themselves to be vulnerable. Today, they describe feeling “more comfortable in my own skin” and are building healthier connections.
Seeking Support and Moving Forward
You don’t have to tackle these ghosts alone. Therapy offers a valuable space to explore the origins of self-limiting beliefs and develop strategies to overcome them. Many people seek counselling for anxiety, low self-esteem, or relationship problems, only to discover that the root of their struggles lies in the narratives they’ve internalized over time.
If you want to start rewriting your own story, try this:
Write down one negative belief you notice today.
Challenge it with three pieces of evidence against it.
Practise one act of self-compassion (rest, kind words, saying no).
Share one feeling honestly with someone safe.
Repeat weekly — change grows from small, consistent acts.
Working with a counsellor can help you untangle these stories, gain insight into why they exist, and begin building new, empowering beliefs. With time and effort, you can start to see yourself not as someone haunted by the past but as someone capable of growth, change, and resilience.
When to Reach Out
If low self-esteem or anxiety is affecting your relationships, work, or sense of self, it may be time to seek support. Therapy can help you build confidence, shift old narratives, and develop more fulfilling connections.
It’s possible to step out of the cycle of anxiety and self-doubt, and into relationships where you can be fully yourself. Change is gradual, but every small step is a move towards freedom.
If you’d like support with anxiety, low self-esteem, or relationship patterns, I offer online and in-person therapy sessions
Reach out below
Ready for more? Learn about anxiety basics in “Anxiety – what is it?”, or find comfort in “Feeling Anxious About the World?…”
