Why Men Struggle with Anxiety & Intrusive Thoughts
What Are Intrusive Thoughts?
Intrusive thoughts are unwanted, unexpected thoughts that pop into your mind and create a surge of anxiety or doubt. They can be overwhelming. They're thoughts you don't choose, maybe don't agree with and often don't understand. What makes them intrusive isn't always the content itself, even if that can be uncomfortable - instead, it's the way they stick around and demand your attention.
In operation, they're no different to any other thought - whether that's an everyday thought such as "I better go to the gym today," or something that may feel crucial like, "did I lock the door?" The second example invokes doubt, feels important, urgent or dangerous. The brain jumps in and treats the thought like a threat and suddenly you're analysing, checking or judging yourself for something you never meant to think about. Your brain wouldn't do that with a simple thought about going to the gym, right? So why does the brain latch onto intrusive ones?
The reason is, brains are wired to prioritise anything that might be a risk. Even the slightest hint of danger gets pushed to the front of the queue. If you're experiencing thoughts that are disturbing, You might not want to hear this but the thought itself isn't the problem; it's the meaning your anxious mind attached to it.
Why Men Experience Intrusive Thoughts More Intensely
Society conditions us to "stay in control."
Intrusive thoughts feel out of control by definition. For men conditioned to be steady, logical, or the one who "keeps it together," the sudden appearance of dark or weird thoughts feels like a personal failure than a stress response.
Men may mistake intrusive thoughts for identity
Many men panic that the thought says something about who they are. Especially thoughts around harm, sex, losing control or shouting something inappropriate. The shame around this is huge, so keeping quiet feels like the only way to cope.
Silence = isolation = more anxiety
Because the thoughts may induce shame, men may not talk about thoughts with friends, partners or family, assuming that they are the only ones who get them. Meanwhile, therapist hear these thoughts every single week - they're far more common than men realise.
Men may be taught to solve problem, not sit with discomfort
If often hear men say they want the thoughts to simply go away. The instinct to fix, supress or ague with the thought ironically intensifies it. Then men think, "why can't I control this?" which leads to more anxiety and sometimes more intrusive thoughts.
There are many common intrusive thoughts and most of them fall into the same few themes. They often sound dramatic or extreme but that's exactly why people panic - they feel completely out of character. Things like;
"what if I jump in front of this train?"
"What if I hurt someone?"
"What if I jumped off this high building?"
In a 1992 study, it was found that amongst men experiencing intrusive thoughts, 55% had intrusive thoughts about hurting their family. In the same study, intrusive thoughts of running a car off the road affected 56% of men.
These thoughts don't stick around because they're meaningful. They stick around because they clash with your values. A man who worries he might hurt someone is usually the last person who ever would. The brain notices that clash, labels it as "danger," and suddenly the thought feels like evidence of who you are - rather than what it actually is; a moment of anxiety, nothing more.
The Link Between Anxiety and Self-Esteem
Intrusive thoughts become a problem when the anxious brain grabs hold of them and refuses to let go. Most men try to push the thoughts away, argue with it, or hide it because it feels embarrassing or "not something you talk about." But that mix - the thought, the fear, and the silence around it - is exactly what keeps the spiral going.
It's uncomfortable to think you could harm someone - because you wouldn't. So it's natural to feel you're a bad person if you think, "what if I push that woman in front of the train." Your mind reacts as if the thought says something about your character but in reality it says far more about your anxiety.
That anxiety could be coming from anywhere - maybe you're anxious about work, money, direction in life. Sometimes, when you have no avenue to let your anxiety out, it goes to bizarre places. But your thoughts aren't windows into your intentions. They're mental misfires, triggered by stress, vigilance and an anxious brain trying too hard to keep everyone safe.
How Do I Stop Intrusive Thoughts?
Firstly, stop treating intrusive thoughts like a threat. They feed on panic and avoidance. The more you try to push them away, the louder they get. The goal isn't to get rid of them - it's to change your relationship with them.
Name it for what it is - an intrusive thought.
Saying to yourself, "this is an intrusive thought, not a truth," takes the heat out of it. You separate the thought from reality, which is exactly what anxiety blurs.
Don't argue with it
The brain loves a debate. If you start reassuring yourself, checking the truth, or logically trying to work through the thought to prove it wrong, you're telling your mind it is worth paying attention to. It's not. It says nothing about your character. Notice it, label it, move on.
Notice the feeling, not just the thought.
Intrusive thoughts often come with guilt or disgust, especially the ones that may be sexual or violent. The feelings they invoke may often be worse than the thought itself. Instead of analysing the content, try shifting your attention to how the thought affects you physically - tight chest, knot in the stomach. That's the anxiety, not the thought's meaning.
Reduce the shame by talking about it
This is the part men struggle with most. But one conversation - with a therapist, partner, or someone you trust - often cuts the thoughts power in half. Intrusive thoughts thrive in silence. Saying them out loud makes them far less dramatic.
Can Therapy Help Intrusive Thoughts?
The answer is yes, therapy can help - but not in the way most people expect. A lot of men come into therapy hoping to switch intrusive thoughts off. If that worked, you would have done it already. Therapy helps by changing your relationship with the thoughts, not by trying to erase them.
One part of this is learning to spot a pattern. That's where techniques like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy are useful. Together we look at the loop - the thought and the fear that follows. Often, the part worth looking at isn't the thought, "I'm going to push that woman into the street," it's the subsequent thought, "I'm a terrible person." This is the thought and feeling that ruminates and continues the cycle of panic and anxiety. You want to avoid feeling like a terrible person. Intrusive thoughts are quite common alongside Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. In fact, a common intrusive thought is, "I left the hob on." Cognitive Behavioural Therapy would challenge your behavioural response to that thought and your subsequent behaviour.
The other part of therapy for intrusive thoughts is what I often describe as acceptance - not giving up, not putting a "positive pin" on it, but dropping the fight. When you stop treating the thought like an emergency, your nervous system calms down. By allowing the thought to exist without reacting to it, you take away its power. That's radical acceptance in practice: "This thought is here. I don't have to like it and I don't have to respond to it."
My Own Experience
Before becoming a therapist, I remember thinking I would fall asleep at the wheel and drive off the road. Legitimate fear of course. Those signs "Tiredness kills," would constantly remind me how dangerous it was to drive tired. I might have had a full 8 hours sleep, a relaxing day, but the minute I got behind the wheel, the thought would hit. What helped was not to rationalise, but to learn to stop responding to the anxiety. It still comes occasionally, but I don't try to avoid the thought when it does. Self soothing is something men can sometimes feel is weak or indulgent - "why am I not stronger right now," instead of "it's ok."
Counselling and Anxiety Support for Men in Leeds
Intrusive thoughts feel so personal and shameful that most men keep them completely to themselves. You don’t have to. These thoughts don’t say anything about your character, and they’re far more common than you think. If they’re starting to get in the way of your sleep, work, or confidence, reaching out for support isn’t a weakness — it’s a chance to get some space from the constant pressure in your own head. With the right tools and someone in your corner, you can stop treating every thought like a threat and start living your life with a bit more calm and control.
If you’re experience intrusive thoughts or anxiety, get in touch below.
